||[Jul. 16th, 2005|04:08 pm]
I have come to the conclusion that my boyfriend is a complete liar and thinks that i am believing him. I found out he was reading my livejournal (which i don't mind) but he lied about it and this week i found out he has his own and has been looking at mine again. Why can't he just be honest about it. It's not like i care that he reads it or that he'll even read this, but why lie about it. what is the point.
Speaking of Jon....we've been having a lot of problems. He has been making a big joke of me at work and was mad when i found out. Now he explained it as an attempt to see if i trust him but when i did what he expected, (check his phone), he was pissed that i was invading his privacy by looking at his phone....yet he looked through mine that night too. That seems so confusing to me. He has been having a woman at his job text message him things like honey and sweety and i miss you and bullshit, basically. He says it was all a joke and that he told her the next day that it was over...but i don't believe him. He is hiding his phone more than ever now, which makes me suspicious that he isn't being honest about it being a joke. From the two people i've talked to it about. one thinks i should just get over it and do everything i can to make the relationship work and the other says it sounds like a load of shit and i should end it now before i get hurt.
I don't know what to do. I know that he is different from when we first got together but he's so different i'm not sure if i even love him anymore...i loved the person i moved in with a year and a half ago not the secretive, lying, deceiving, angry, stressful guy he is now.
I was so frustrated this week with all of it, i stopped eating and was so sick last night i threw up. even when i went to pick him up from work this morning i threw up in the parking lot and he was just an asshole. didn't say hi, bye, i love you...nothing but MOVE!!!
I want to make it work because i've spent almost 2 years with him and for me that's a long time and i'm very comfortable around him, but i don't know whether it is worth it. i can't go on being so sad and unhappy and stressed that i am crying and throwing up every day. i refuse to do it thinking...."it will all get better because love is stronger than any fight or disagreement or any problem". I WON"T!!!
So the question is do i try everything in my power to make it work, forget about the pain he's putting me through, fully trust him, and pretend it's all ok or do i break it off and just start me entire life over again????
Why couldn't i have just been smart enough not to jump into this? Why couldn't i have just had a boyfriend and not a cohabitating life partner?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE AND I'M ABOUT READY TO GIVE UP ALLTOGETHER!!!!!!!!