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Kurie Edwards

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wow [Dec. 28th, 2005|08:47 pm]
Kurie Edwards
a new year brings new things and I have been experimenting. I am meeting new people and am breaking out of my shell. I am making plans to live my life and not just watch it pass me by.

I am really optimistic that this year will be a good one....it's about time ya know.

I am happy and I am having fun and I've only just begun.....2006!!!!
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Hi Again [Dec. 13th, 2005|01:23 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |excitedexcited]
[Current Music |Kelly Clarkson]

I don't remember all of what's happened since I last posted on here but I've spent almost every night since then, up until this past Saturday, getting stoned or drunk.
Sunday I went to lunch with Aaron Tavis and his very jealous girlfriend and Robert Westover and 2 other girls for Robert's 17 bday. It was interesting. Aaron's girlfriend was mad the entire time because she thought Aaron was flirting which he wasn't....she's just paraniod.

Yesterday I started my second job. I now work at Carson in the afternoons and at Denny's graveyards. Yes the one on Stapley and Main.
Working 2 jobs is gonna suck but when I get my check I'll be happy.
I don't really have anything else to say.
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Wow! [Nov. 21st, 2005|12:46 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |happyhappy]
[Current Music |Kelly Clarkson]

OMG!!! Do I have a story or what.

Well on Wednesday night I was texting my ex (I am trying to be a good person and stay friendly with him) and he sounded pretty shitty. I told him to call me and after talking for about 30 minutes I concluded that he hates his life and he is gonna drive to the Grand Canyon by himself to sort shit out. From experience I know that if you hate your life and want to be alone bad things happened so I asked him not to go. In return he invites me to go. Because I am trying to be more spontanious and I don't want him to do anything stupid, I accept. I went and told my new boss that I needed to take the next two days off and would call off if he didn't let me. He said yes and after work and some light packing I met up with my ex who I'll call J just to make it easier.

We drive to the Grand Canyon but before we get there (in Flagstaff) we get pulled over for speeding...the cop lets J off but informs him that his licence was suspended and now he has court the 30th which I agreed to take him to (in Flaggstaff).

We get to the Grand Canyon (my first time) and decided to keep driving north. We drove all day (except for the hour and a half we took to break in his car if ya'll know what I mean, and yes the entire hour and a half) and ended up in Salt Lake City, Utah(another first for me). Wow doesn't even explain it. We walked around and amazingly by 9 pm everything was closing so we decided to leave. We figured we would take a scenic trip back by stoping in Las Vegas(my second time for anyone who cares to keep track).

We got there in the early morning Thursday and slept for a couple of hours and hit the strip. We went on the Stratosphere and then to IHOP to eat breakfast/lunch at noon. It was the greatest meal I have ever had in my life and I ain't exagerating!!! Then we walked the strip, yes all of it. We spent about 5 hours just seeing everything and it was great. Then we got in the car and drove back to Mesa and got here about midnight. Now I'm at his house because he's working on my computer and all I can do is think about things.

1. I actually spent the past two days not thinking about anything but what I was doing. I didn't worry about anything and I didn't bash myself and I was happy.

2. I slept with my ex again. That's not what you're supposed to do. I din't do it because I have feelings, I just hadn't had sex in 9 days and the opportunity came. Is that misleading, maybe I should have told him that i no longer love him but would that have mattered. He knows it was just casual sex so did I really need to say anything. I'll stick with no and we'll see what happens in the future.

3. I did something crazy and that is totally not me but I'm coming to the conclusion that the person I call me is just a shell and I'm starting to learn who I really am and I rock!

In conclusion, I feel happy that I went and it was not uncomfortable for one second. It was a much needed vacation from my thoughts and I think it was thereputic enough to help with some things. I am on such a natural high right now and that's cool.
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I passed the test! [Nov. 14th, 2005|01:19 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |happyhappy]
[Current Music |Terry Clark-She didn't have time]

Well i'm sure that everyone has heard that the final test to see if you are over a previous love is to see what you feel when you are with them in person. Well I passed. I am over Jon. I saw him this weekend and nothing (unlike the previous times I have seen him). There was no feelings of love or want or need or anything. I didn't even feel drawn to him physically. It is so great to know that I can finally go on with my life without that bagage hanging on. I am so happy that it's over. I know it's been 3 months and that seems like a long time but it hasn't been easy. But now it's done and i can face him without those emotions and I can start my journey of life and let it take me anywhere!
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Been A Long Time, I Know!!! [Nov. 5th, 2005|02:13 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |happyhappy]
[Current Music |Sugarland-"Just Might"]

Wow, it's been a long time since i was last on here and a lot has changed. To be short I broke up with Jon on AUGUST 13. It was a very painful last 2 months of the relationship but its over. I spent time going through the heartbreak phase and now I'm completely over him. I realized from an outsiders viewpoint that I WAS IN a really bad relationship for almost the entire last year of it but its done now. To jump into the present....I am very happy. I have lost about 15 pounds and have become the night life type of girl. I haven't slept in my own bed in over a week and have been having a lot of fun the past month. I have been drinking a lot and have been doing a lot of partying. I have been meeting a lot of guys and have had a lot of old friends and not so much old friends come back into my life. BLAINE showeD UP ON My doorstep Monday and invited me to a Halloween party which i attended (where i looked quite sexy at) and got more attention than I have ever had before. I had three guys try to "hook up" with me but the lucky guy is actually someone that i hated in junior high but he seems so much different now. I won't go into details of what has happened with him but I'm hopefull that there will be more good times ahead.

I guess in conclusion i'll just say that i am really happy with my life right now. BEINg single rocks (EVEN THOUGH it would be nice to have a boyfriend, i'm not on the hunt or anything). I have really been putting my life into perspective and am starting to realize how cool of a person i am (even though people have told me my whole life...I finally believe you all).
I am finally happy with myself and my life...for now!
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I'm Lost! [Jul. 26th, 2005|06:39 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |scaredscared]

I don't know what to do to help my relationship from diminishing before my eyes. I just got back from a "romantic" stay at the Four Seasons Resort with Jon to "rekindle the spark" in our relationship. My mother and Jon thought that some time away from everyone and work and bills and basically everything, but I ended up crying for a long while last night. Jon accused me of something that basically broke my heart at the moment. He didn't accuse me, I could tell what he was thinking....i said what i thought and i was right. Our entire relationship for the past 8 months has been a pathetic attempt to avoidhaving an honest relationship. That kinda makes sense to me...i know it's not clear but it brings some validity to the situation we are placed in know. I've spent every moment since last night wondering what Jon expects me to do. He told me the only way he thinks our relationship will work is if i move out. How does that help anything...that just will make it worse. his actions as well as his words make me think that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore and breaking it off step by step will just make it easier on him. i've asked him and he keeps telling me he wants it to work but i can't seem to believe him when he acts the way he has been. we talked last night about the soon-to-be-problem of us never seeing eachother when my schedule changes in 3 weeks. Every suggestion i gave, he shot down. the only suggestion he thinks will work is me moving out and us starting our entire relationship from scratch. how can we do that when we have a life and a home together? how can we do that with Samantha?
I want this to work...i always have, but he doesn't even act like he likes me let alone loves me. don't get me wrong when it comes to sex he's happy and says sweet things and acts like he loves me but when the deed is done he's back to his normal self. We were home today and he wouldn't even put his arm around me when we were laying together. He only says "i love you" when he leaves and he doesn't even kiss me unless he's leaving. i don't know what to think. i know people change and i know that circumstances have changed but he's not even close to the guy i feel in love with. He used to call me all the time just "to hear the sound of my voice" and he used to write me poems because he missed me and i was asleep so he could only write his thoughts and he used to say i love you all the time and he used to hold me every moment he was with me and he used to only want to be around me and he used to find me attractive and he used to say nice things and he used to be in love with me. i don't know if he is or not now. he's so hard to read and he won't talk to me about what he's thinking about and he just makes me feel like he doesn't want me around. i hate to say it but he used to make me feel like he was obsessed with me, that i was the only person that mattered in his whole life and now i feel like would rather talk to the DMV automated service than be with me. I don't think i can start over and just let go of this relationship but if i know he's not gonna try and he's not gonna change....should i stick around for a bigger heartbreak. i mean i'd rather say there goes 2 years down the drain than 5. What can i do to make him want to be the guy he used to be? What can i do to make him want this to work? i thought this time away would make us realize how in love we once were and we could just let that charge on our relationship battery power our car without having to buy a new battery. it's a stupid analogy but basically i thought our flame would be rekindled and we would just fall back in love and that would be enough....i guess i was wrong. do i have to become perfect pysco girlfriend that just agrees with every word he says and does what he wants when he wants? iwish he would just help me to realize how i've changed in the past year so that i could try to change back because we were both so happy. i know we have both changed but we need to work together to change back. i'm so willing to do anything at this point to make it work, but i'm lost for what to do. i don't know how i've changed but i know our life has so i have had to. i wish Jon would help me and i wish i could help him without it feeling fake...without it feeling like we are pretending to change to make the other feel better. i want it to be like it was, i want us to feel like we used to. I don't know how to make him realize that i'll try almost anything to work on this. (when i say anything i mean any emotion stratgy i don't mean like moving out or temporary separation or anything like that, but i'll try any stupid pyscobabble method to get it worked out) i feel so depressed that i just want to wither away. i know and can admit that we BOTH have changed enough to make things the way they are now. (by changed i include changes in behavoir, changes in thinking, and changing in circumstances, all changes.) my eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts from pain. Jon has a big problem with me pill popping and hurting myself so i'm not gonna do even though i really want to. i don't have anything else to offer but my ear to Jon but he won't take it. I know there is something going on in his mind that he doesn't want to tell me but in order for this to work we have to have no secrets.....what is going on in his head? why won't he talk to me? if he can't talk to me, who can he talk to? does he love me? does he want me?
ALL questions and more i can't amswer.
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Yuck! [Jul. 22nd, 2005|04:24 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]

Well my life is pretty shitty and the advice i am getting is not helping. I have not been eating for a week, been depressed and self mutilating myself. I haven't done it so that it is noticable because i learned in 8th grade how to hide it but i'm really mad that i'm doing it again. I'm not doing it to the extremes, but i am doing it. it seems to be the only time i am at peace. it is the only time that i can clear my mind. Where's Blaine when you need him????i say that because he was the one to convince me to stop and now four years later it is my only jmoment of serenity. i know i am making things worse,i know, but i can't afford to be the fool again. i can't seem to just let things go. I am extremely emotional and i can't get over the fact that Jon shows me no emotion or affection but expects me not to be mad. He keeps trying to TELL me that i'm the only person he ever wants to be with but all women know that if their action don't coincide with their words then their words are full of shit. i can't help but feel that he says things like that just to shut me up. that's bad to say but he doesn't act like he loves me at all, he doesn't even pretend to want me around. he thinks i should just forget everything and be satisfied hearing him say that i'm the only one he loves and cares about but he doesn't even kiss me when he comes and goes anymore. even when people hate eachother and are in a horrible relationship that they know will end soon still kiss eachother. Then there's me and Jon-Jon was talking about marriage and family not more than 2 or 3 months ago and now he won't even kiss me. how could such a dramatic change happen so fast. why did he pretend to want a long term relationship for over a year and now not even want to touch me. was that all just an attempt to piece his life back together or not? i don't know anymore why things went so wrong. i can't imagine why i did what i did or why he did what he did? i just know that things couldn't have been well for that to happen, so why have we been doing this this long? i don't understand why it couldn't have just ended after the first year-like in "A Walk To Remember" where she dies after only like 6 months of marriage. She died happy, why couldn't that have happened to me?????
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Dear God!!! [Jul. 16th, 2005|04:08 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |stressedstressed]

I have come to the conclusion that my boyfriend is a complete liar and thinks that i am believing him. I found out he was reading my livejournal (which i don't mind) but he lied about it and this week i found out he has his own and has been looking at mine again. Why can't he just be honest about it. It's not like i care that he reads it or that he'll even read this, but why lie about it. what is the point.

Speaking of Jon....we've been having a lot of problems. He has been making a big joke of me at work and was mad when i found out. Now he explained it as an attempt to see if i trust him but when i did what he expected, (check his phone), he was pissed that i was invading his privacy by looking at his phone....yet he looked through mine that night too. That seems so confusing to me. He has been having a woman at his job text message him things like honey and sweety and i miss you and bullshit, basically. He says it was all a joke and that he told her the next day that it was over...but i don't believe him. He is hiding his phone more than ever now, which makes me suspicious that he isn't being honest about it being a joke. From the two people i've talked to it about. one thinks i should just get over it and do everything i can to make the relationship work and the other says it sounds like a load of shit and i should end it now before i get hurt.

I don't know what to do. I know that he is different from when we first got together but he's so different i'm not sure if i even love him anymore...i loved the person i moved in with a year and a half ago not the secretive, lying, deceiving, angry, stressful guy he is now.

I was so frustrated this week with all of it, i stopped eating and was so sick last night i threw up. even when i went to pick him up from work this morning i threw up in the parking lot and he was just an asshole. didn't say hi, bye, i love you...nothing but MOVE!!!

I want to make it work because i've spent almost 2 years with him and for me that's a long time and i'm very comfortable around him, but i don't know whether it is worth it. i can't go on being so sad and unhappy and stressed that i am crying and throwing up every day. i refuse to do it thinking...."it will all get better because love is stronger than any fight or disagreement or any problem". I WON"T!!!

So the question is do i try everything in my power to make it work, forget about the pain he's putting me through, fully trust him, and pretend it's all ok or do i break it off and just start me entire life over again????

Why couldn't i have just been smart enough not to jump into this? Why couldn't i have just had a boyfriend and not a cohabitating life partner?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE AND I'M ABOUT READY TO GIVE UP ALLTOGETHER!!!!!!!!
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Another Saturday Night [Jul. 2nd, 2005|10:55 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |Scars-Papa Roach]

It's Saturday night again....I just got home from spending like 3 hours with my bro and his friends. I feel really pathetic because I spent my night with a bunch of 15 year olds. I've gotten two calls this week from people I haven't talked to in years....one is a YPK (Youth Pastors Kid) and the other an old movie buddy. I think I'm gonna call the second back, but I'm a little worried about calling the first because of the whole awkward explanation of why I don't go to church and "Disobey" the rules.

Jon and I had a big, long talk and it resulted in Jon realizing that I'm going to do whatever I need to in order to be happy....I won't go into that too much cause it's confusing, but Jon realized he can't keep a lock down on my personal life anymore. Unfortunately I'm a little too young to become friends with the real partiers and I don't know what other group to look for. I want to call up old buddies and reminisce(???) but I don't got numbers. I got a couple in mind that I know would be real entertaining, but no way to get in touch with 'em.

Oh well, and I'm not going to ASU because I can't afford it so that's out. Maybe I can get with Natalie and go to the club or something.

Don't know...I'm just blabbing because my house mates are all driving me nuts. I want to kick Ty out but everybody wants to give him chances and shit, so I loose. I've thought about gettin' my own place to avoid it all. I got a place with a friend and I just gotta pay $200 a month. I know if I do Jon will be fucked because I have one bill that's $23/month so the rest is his responsibility and I know he won't be able to do it. Is that too selfish to want my own money and my own life without having to let him know everything that goes on? Someone told me that since we're not married and I have no commitments in the financial realm of this place, it's not because I would just be learning to live my own life. That's a point but how can I keep the relationship going strong if he's hurting for money and I'm out having a good time every weekend with mine?

I guess I'll just have to try harder to get some more cash for that kind of stuff....I don't know.
I never know the answers to this stuff!
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Wow! [Jun. 18th, 2005|08:15 pm]
Kurie Edwards
[Current Mood |worriedworried]

It's Saturday night and I'm home.....all alone.....drinking!

To think where I was just 2 years ago.....makes me wonder if I'm happy.

I know I was happy then, or at least entertained! and tonight I'm drinking alone.

I am finally happy with who I am and what I look like, but is that happiness clouding my life?

Am I so happy about reaching that milestone, that I think I am truely happy?

I don't know the answers to these questions or any others that I have tonight....and I don't know who can answer them for me.

I want to go to the club tonight and dance it off in something sexy with a couple people I just met to laugh with...but I can't.

If I did...I would have big problems with Jon.
I don't know what to do with him right now. We aren't having any problems or fights....but when I do anything without him...he goes crazy....but with him there, I can't talk to anyone but him.
So I am at a loss. I can't understand that about him. I guess he just worries because I'm young and blah blah blah but isn't it my choice?

I guess I need to decide if I want the independent life that I said I would never give up, but have...or be with Jon and become wife and mom. (He has been pushing marriage a lot lately, which I did in the beginning but he knew it was because he was my first...so what's his excuse?)

Why can't I have it all? Why can't Jon be that loving boyfriend that loves me unconditionally when I want him to and then be the guy that just wants me to have fun when I want him to?
I guess it's my fault...I rushed into this relationship at 16 without thinking that I should have had fun while I could have gotten to. Now I wish I could but I'm too busy being 30 than 18.

I'm gonna go now and drink until I pass out so everybody else....Have a great Saturday night!!!
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